Ode to the Ttpktsdbndaiksamttdtmcotwat

There are, without excuse, some things that people just shouldn't do. Not wanting to sound critical, cynical, or any other negative c-word (though knowing that I run that risk), here is my ODE TO THE THINGS THAT PEOPLE KNOW THEY SHOULDN'T DO BUT NONETHELESS DO AND IT KINDA, SORTA ANNOYS ME THAT THEY DON'T TAKE MORE CONSIDERATION OF THE WORLD AROUND THEM.

Oh, man who drives so close to my bumper,
My white Chevy chariot already races 80 mph,
Yet in your haste, you drive but three inches from my muffler.
For miles you insist on this,
Until you find your opening,
Pull past me,
Speed up,
Pull back in front of me almost driving me off the road...
Then slow back down to 77 mph.
With tears in my eyes, I thank you for teaching me the errors of driving so slow.

Oh, lonely shopping cart,
I wish I could park in the spot that you occupy,
Alas! My soul cries out!
Some lost soul in an effort to save the precious 15 seconds it takes to put you away,
Has left you, like a kidney stone, blocking my safe park.
But wait!
Oh ho!
That, soul was not so lazy, careless, and inconsiderate as it seems--
They made sure they lifted your front two wheels into the planter to make sure you don't roll off.
Yes! Nice job Sir Cart-in-the-stall-leaver!

Oh, wonderfully talented cell-phone-talker/
make-up-putter-onner/
Big-Mac-eater/
Driver.
You prove your great worth to our people as you drive,
Taking up two and half lanes,
Driving in 3rd gear on the freeway,
Switching on your hazard lights to change lanes,
Then not changing lanes,
Then changing lanes,
All while so beautifully multitasking.
Lookest at thou go!
Ride! Ride on brave driver,
Creator of traffic jams and accidents in all their splendor and variety.

Oh thou line-pusher,
You stand so close to me in line,
I can hear your heart beating,
I can feel your breath on my neck,
Your nostrils on my earlobe.
You stand for the solid principle that we all know to be undeniably and invariably true:
The closer you stand to the front of the line,
And the more people you can push towards the front of the line,
The faster the line moves!
What a brave, courageous person to stand for such values.

Oh cell phone, Oh cell phone,
Thou art my greatest love.
I see how thy subjects cherish their moments with thee...
When they're with that friend they haven't seen for 8 years,
Sitting at the table,
Both of them,
Texting their brother-in-laws about the next day's weather.
Oh how thou hast lifted and enlightened our communication and language.
Gone are the days where ugly and long "phone calls" were needed,
Or even e-mails, with their fully spelled out words,
Or even face-to-face visits.
All gone,
Replaced by thy wonderful new syntax and clever emoticons.
O cell, tis so gr8 to b w/ u my Earlimi (Sorry, I mean, Darling).

So there you have it, somewhere between Shel Silverstein and Maury Povich.